Plan vs Change

There are people who like to plan, and then there are those who just like to go with the flow. I, personally, am a planner; I like to know what I am doing, how I am doing it, and where I am going with my life. Yet that doesn't stop me from being spontaneous when doing things for fun. But with my future, I hate not knowing my plans. How do I plan for something when I no longer know what I want? What do you do when nothing's turned out how I wanted?

I've been feeling really lost this semester. I have always taken pride in my ambitious nature, yet recently I have lost my sense of direction. A big part of it is probably due to my change of major. For as long as I can remember, I was always going to be a doctor of some sort. And so, I started planning for it. I volunteered at hospitals, worked as a medical assistant at a doctor's office, visited cadavers, shadowed doctors, and took numerous science courses to discover that it wasn't my calling. So I finally let go of the pre-med route and went the business one. I say "let go" and not "quit" because I did NOT quit. It wasn't because I couldn't handle the blood or work but because it just wasn't what I wanted...

And what do I want?

• I do not want to deal with death and sadness every time I could not change something. I am a very conscientious and contemplative person.
• I want to travel. I like to be in new environments, to see new things, to learn new things, to experience new things. I want to see as much beauty and diversity of the world as I can.
• I want to meet new people and make new friends; apparently, I really like to socialize.
• I want to be creative, to be artistic, to put my imagination to use somewhere. I love design...
• I want to help people; volunteering makes me happy.
• I want to make a difference, to make an impact, to inspire.. I don't want to just live and die; I want my existence to mean something to this world.
• I just want to be successful. I want to open businesses and have my own design line.

Pre-med just wasn't meant for me; it didn't fulfill all my needs or wants. And now I'm double-majoring in finance and marketing with a minor in design (hopefully...somehow). It's not as stable as pre-med because it takes a lot of drive to make it big. There's no more set path of undergrad, M-cat, then med school. Now I have to figure out how I am going to incorporate design into my life plan, which is difficult because UTD doesn't have anything for that field of design or fashion. What do I want to do with fashion? Will I be good at it? To make matters worse, I have no work experience in the business field. I also have a gazillion credits that have become useless. So much for graduating a year early.

It's ironic because I love change; it's the reason that made me come to Dallas for college. I wanted to be independent, wanted to be in a new environment, wanted to meet new people. I guess I only liked change when I planned for and was ready for it. Yet I hated change when it went against my plans. In the end, I just don't know what I want to do or where I want to go or how to get there. Nothing's a set plan anymore; maybe it's the obsurity that makes me begin to doubt myself. Where did all my motivation go? I don't understand... I want to run, but I'm hesitating. I'm afraid, afraid of failure... it's my biggest fear in life. My motivation and priorities are all wrong... Why am I sitting here in my bed at 5 am ranting about how frustrated I am at my lack of motivation and direction?I feel so lost...I feel like I'm failing. I'm stalled and stalling for more time, but time keeps ticking... Where's my crystal ball???


Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best stance
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Time Machine

I have always wished that I could have the power to change back time, but life isn't as magical as I want it to be. There are no wizards, no magic, no mana tree... People say that whatever happens, happens for a reason and makes us who we are today. And for the most part that is true, but who doesn't want to go back and redo or avoid some moments?

Today, I went through my old diaries and weblogs (xanga, myspace) and realized that there are so many moments missing from my life. I started from writing everyday in my diary about trivial things to rarely writing anything. I mean, I could go back and write what I do remember about a certain event, but it won't be the same as being in the moment and feeling those emotions at that time. It's sad because if somehow I lost my memory or became senile, I won't have anything tangible to help refresh my memory. I'll have my pictures, but it will only be a picture book without a story.

As much as I want it to slow down or stop, time will keep ticking away. Looking back on the past, I realize how fast time flies; all that is left to do is to reminisce on those moments, good or bad, and to move forward with the future.


And the world around us won't stop turning